The Odd 50 Out
by DarkSlayer23
Summary: A series of oneshots for a livejournal community along with any other themes I may think of, mostly centred around Edward Elric


**AN: Alright so this is the first thing I've actually written for Fullmetal Alchemist. I'm actually doing this for a livejournal community, but I figured that I could post them here as well along with others that may not fit in with the themes there. I'll accept all constructive criticisms, but flames will be ignored.**

**Floatation Device**

There was always something about Colonel Mustang's office at Central headquarters that seemed to bring out the worst of the blond alchemist's insolent behaviour. When it came down to finally handing over his mission report that was already several weeks overdue he was downright insufferable. The pair constantly seemed to be at each other's throats, making every effort to wind the other up as much as possible all for the sake of pride and bragging rights.

Edward Elric was certainly not the most patient person to have ever set foot inside the colonel's office since said man had been occupying it, in fact he was well known for his reckless, impatient and downright bull-headed nature but yet here he was, shifting his weight from one foot to the other with his arms folded across his chest and an annoyed expression on his face.

"Well?" He demanded moodily as he stomped his foot on the carpeted floor, fixing the older man with a stern look. "Are you gonna' read it or what, Colonel Bastard?" 'It' was his report which he had carelessly tossed onto the desk, disturbing the pile of paperwork the Flame Alchemist had probably been putting off for the entire morning. He had expected it to be top priority since it was so late. "Hurry up and read the damn thing so I can get the hell out of here." He added sharply.

Roy feigned a surprised gasp before he looked around, placing his hand on his chest in an over-exaggerated manner. "Who said that?" he asked, suppressing a grin. He could have sworn the lock of hair (also dubbed his antenna) on Edward's head that seemed to permanently defy gravity had just stuck up on end as the boy visibly tensed with anger. "Hrm… all I see here is a stack of paperwork and my potted plant."

Without warning (although he had been expecting it), the Fullmetal Alchemist had stomped right up to his desk and in one powerful sweep of his automail hand had sent the large stack of papers flying off the desk "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY'D HAVE TO STAND ON A STEP LADDER TO BE TALLER THAN A STACK OF PAPERWORK?!" he demanded furiously as he slammed his palms onto the dark wood, glaring at the man who barely batted an eyelid to his reaction.

"You, Fullmetal." He responded coolly before he finally picked up the only paperwork that remained on his desk, Ed's mission report. Opening the rather battered file and leafing through the documents inside, he rolled his eyes immediately. Only Edward could go into such depth about the bumpy train ride, choking heat, agonising sunburn, sub-par accommodation and incredibly rich food. The report itself was thirty pages long, written double-sided in the alchemist's usual tiny chicken-scratch handwriting and by the time he had flicked through the useless information there were only ten pages detailing the mission.

"There is one thing you haven't explained to me, Fullmetal," Roy remarked after he set down the report, deciding that it really wasn't worth drawing out their time together even longer by pointing out that no, the Fuhrer didn't care what he'd eaten for lunch that day or the number of blisters he had gotten on his feet because he chose to wear those infuriating platform boots of his with the laces undone. "What happened to my car?"

If he weren't Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, stubborn as a mule and (in his opinion) charismatic enough to get away with it, he would have looked rather flustered at the question but instead he kept his cool and even grinned cockily. "Heh you must be losing it in your old age Colonel Shithead, I parked the car outside headquarters. If you removed your head from your ass long enough, you might have seen it." It wasn't a complete lie, the car was outside headquarters it just… didn't really resemble a car anymore.

Roy looked at him sceptically. "I checked the moment you returned Fullmetal. Do you think I would have trusted you with my car without so much as checking it for dents when you finally returned? I know you all too well by now and you have… _little_ regard for other people's property." He finally answered, unable to resist having a little private jab at his height (or rather, lack of) at the same time.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HIS FEET WONT BE ABLE TO REACH THE BREAK PEDAL?!" Edward snarled, his antenna sticking up on end once again in reaction to his anger as he stamped his feet and flailed his arms. The Flame Alchemist remained silent and he soon calmed on his own accord. "And if you had been listening to me then you would have heard me say that I parked it at the FRONT of the headquarters." He added moodily.

"So, are you telling me that… _thing_ parked outside this building is my car?" Roy questioned sharply, his voice taking on a deadly tone as he rose to his feet. There were few things that he was really passionate about these days, but his car had been one of them. He had only leant it to the shorter alchemist in the first place because the state cars weren't suitable and Lieutenant Hawkeye had been holding a gun to the back of his head at the time.

"Yes." Ed responded defiantly, hands on hips now as he threw his shoulders back and puffed out his chest arrogantly.

"Then tell me Fullmetal, why you felt that transmuting it into a gigantic blimp in YOUR likeness was in good taste." Roy asked clearly with a hint of amusement in his eyes as he raised his hand, moving his fingers into position to snap them at any moment.

Five minutes later, an almighty bellow of "AAAAAGGGGH! YOU GODDAMN PYROMANIAC BASTARD!" Rang out through the halls, causing Al to flinch.

"…maybe I should have gone in there with him after all."


End file.
